The Asshat

Recently, I was asked when I would start injecting vitriolic language into my posts here. Not to be a pain in the ass, but I really haven't had the inclination to break out into a caustic rant lately.

But, what the hell, let's curse, shall we?

One of my favorite curse words is "asshat." Why, you ask? It just sounds funny as hell to me. I don't think I need to explain my reasoning any further, so don't be an asshat and just read on.

Without a smidgen of doubt, I would love to incorporate this word into my daily vernacular. For instance, I could answer the phone at work thusly:

"Thank you for calling (Insert-Company-Name-Here). My name is Luis. How may I assist you today, asshat? Hello? Hello??!? Damn asshat hung up on me."

Or, let's say I'm at a store, looking for a gift for someone. Naturally, I have piss-poor shopping skills, and I haven't a friggin' clue where to find what I'm looking for. This, incidentally, further delineates my absolute maleness. So, a casual exchange with an employee there could start like this:

"Hey, asshat! Yeah, you! I'm looking for something. Can you help me? Oh, yeah? Is that how it's going to be? Well, screw you, too, asshat!!"

Yet another scenario could involve greeting your neighbors on their daily walk...

"Hey, there, Mr. & Mrs. (Insert-Last-Name-Here), how are you? Listen, I saw some asshat pulling into your driveway yesterday. Was he trying to sell you something? Oh. Oh, I see. That was your son. Oh, yes, I remember. Yes, the one who just finished a tour of duty in Iraq. Uh, yeah, uh, sorry about that."

The scenarios are infinite, indeed. And I could ramble on incessantly about the myriad situations where "asshat" could be used in daily conversation. But, I think I'll stop while I'm behind.

Or else I'd come across like an asshat.