Indiana Jones & The Script From Hell

Recently, I saw the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Not being a die-hard fan, I had minimal expectations for it. However, all the apathy in the world couldn't conceal the sad fact that George Lucas' dirty little fingers are definitely all over this thing.

So, perusing the infernalnet, I came across this gem devised by the demented mind of Frankie Frain...

Brilliant!

This one's been circulating for several years in many different incarnations. I came across it again tonight and felt compelled to share it...

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the OxfordEnglish Dictionary.

1. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary.")

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for you own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USAwill adopt UKprices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -- roughly $6/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer, at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.)

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

The National

The music player has 6 songs from one of my favorite bands, The National. Originally from Cincinnati, Ohio, they now base themselves out of Brooklyn, NY.

I've pretty much got their entire discography and was lucky enough to catch them live in Atlanta last year during their headline club tour.

All it took was lead singer Matt Berninger's graceful baritone vocal delivery to drag me into this band. The musical arrangements tend to shift from sparse to lush, while the lyrical content teeters along a darkly intimate course.

They're currently opening for REM, along with Modest Mouse. Definitely worth checking out, as all 3 bands put on one hell of a show.

Robin...What Have I Done To You?

Unintentionally funny comic book panels are always good for a laugh. I thought I'd share a few I've seen on various websites throughout the years.

Oddly enough, many of them seem to involve Batman and Robin...

I Am Hurted

The right side of my body has been under attack since early Friday morning.

At approximately 3am Friday, I was awoken by a severe cramping pain in my right calf. It was damn near excruciating and lasted for several hours. Normally, I get these cramps in my left calf and they can be rubbed/stretched out within minutes. But, this time, it lingered.

Friday night, a filling in one of my top right back teeth decided to crack, leaving part of it still on the tooth. No pain at all, though, and a quick trip to the grocery store resulted in getting one of those temporary filling pastes to protect the tooth until I can square away an appointment with the dentist.

Saturday, I mowed the lawn and trimmed a bit of the landscape by hand. Right hand, that is. And, true to form, the damn hand cramped up, shooting pain from the center of the palm midway to my forearm.

Then today, I trek up to Asheville for some quality time at the Carrier Park outdoor roller hockey rink. Two fun-filled hours of skating and shooting the puck around ended abruptly when I felt raw skin rub against the inside of my skate boot. Apparently, I developed a blister the size of a half-dollar coin just underneath my inner right ankle.

Seriously...what the hell? My entire right side...under attack. What's left for tomorrow? A damned kidney stone?

Oh, great...I jinxed it.

The Asshat

Recently, I was asked when I would start injecting vitriolic language into my posts here. Not to be a pain in the ass, but I really haven't had the inclination to break out into a caustic rant lately.

But, what the hell, let's curse, shall we?

One of my favorite curse words is "asshat." Why, you ask? It just sounds funny as hell to me. I don't think I need to explain my reasoning any further, so don't be an asshat and just read on.

Without a smidgen of doubt, I would love to incorporate this word into my daily vernacular. For instance, I could answer the phone at work thusly:

"Thank you for calling (Insert-Company-Name-Here). My name is Luis. How may I assist you today, asshat? Hello? Hello??!? Damn asshat hung up on me."

Or, let's say I'm at a store, looking for a gift for someone. Naturally, I have piss-poor shopping skills, and I haven't a friggin' clue where to find what I'm looking for. This, incidentally, further delineates my absolute maleness. So, a casual exchange with an employee there could start like this:

"Hey, asshat! Yeah, you! I'm looking for something. Can you help me? Oh, yeah? Is that how it's going to be? Well, screw you, too, asshat!!"

Yet another scenario could involve greeting your neighbors on their daily walk...

"Hey, there, Mr. & Mrs. (Insert-Last-Name-Here), how are you? Listen, I saw some asshat pulling into your driveway yesterday. Was he trying to sell you something? Oh. Oh, I see. That was your son. Oh, yes, I remember. Yes, the one who just finished a tour of duty in Iraq. Uh, yeah, uh, sorry about that."

The scenarios are infinite, indeed. And I could ramble on incessantly about the myriad situations where "asshat" could be used in daily conversation. But, I think I'll stop while I'm behind.

Or else I'd come across like an asshat.

Time to Make the Blood Sugar Rise

Recently, Asheville (which is 20 minutes to the north of me) was finally invaded by a Dunkin' Donuts franchise. Of all the things I thought I'd miss about living in South Florida, DD was the one that surprised me the most.

Sure, Hendersonville has a Krispy Kreme, which is rather decent, but nothing compares to a Dunkin' Donuts coffee with heapfuls of sugar and cream. It's enough to send me into a sugar coma, which is fine by me.

And, if I want a stronger caffeine fix, Asheville also has the venerable Dripolator Coffeehouse, which has a killer Cafe Americano (triple shot espresso, of course) I cannot deny.

Iron Man vs Batman

A rather brilliant take along the lines of the classic "I'm a Mac. I'm a PC" ads.

After watching the video, peruse through the related YouTubes...you'll find more like this one.

Enjoy.

Hay Guys...

Obviously, I'm trying to elicit a response here. A small handful of readers have already seen this pic and I'm certain they're hating me for posting it here.

However, as disturbing as it is, I'm compelled to stare at it. I simply cannot avert my eyes from this monstrosity. It's like I'm a rubbernecker driver passing a roadside automobile pileup.

Altered States

Sometimes comedy just writes itself through collective feats of mass stupidity, and this article is a clear indication of that.

Last month, the city of North Lauderdale passed a resolution proposing that Florida be divided into 2 states. Not to be outdone by their neighbors, the city of Margate decided to join in this idiotic cause, and I'm certain more inept city leaders will follow suit.

Ah, there's nothing like the smell of a politician's hubris in the morning, especially when baked in the oppressively hot South Florida sun. Just think, it takes real tax dollars for these elected asshats to conjure up a proposal like this.

Oy vey.

Welcome to Hell

So, here's my first post in this blog. Most likely, I'll spend the better part of posting here in the most non-methodical, rambletastic, incoherent manner I am most capable of.

Sounds intriguing, eh? Didn't think so.

Anyhoo, it goes without saying that readership here will likely be scarce to nil, so anything goes subject-wise. I'll try to be funny, really, I will, but no promises. How's that for commitment?

Enjoy the madness...